Consent
A good way to remember what consent needs is FRIES:
- Freely given
- No pressure, guilt, threats or "you promised".
- Reversible
- Anyone can change their mind at any time, even halfway through.
- Informed
- Everyone knows what they're agreeing to, including the risks.
- Enthusiastic
- Look for a clear yes, not the absence of a no.
- Specific
- Yes to one thing is not yes to everything else.
Using the sheet
- The sheet is not consent. It shows what someone might enjoy. Consent still happens in the moment, with that person, for that scene.
- "No" is a limit. Treat it as a firm no, not a challenge.
- "Curious" and "Not sure" mean talk first. Ask what appeals, what worries them and how you'd start small.
- Go through Compare together and use Talk it through for the items that need a conversation.
- Answers change. Fill the sheet in again now and then, and don't hold someone to an old one.
Safewords and signals
- Pick a safeword that would never come up by accident. Many people use traffic lights: green for keep going, yellow for slow down or check in, red for stop.
- If someone can't speak (a gag, a hand over their mouth, or just overwhelm), agree on a signal such as dropping a held object, tapping out, or a hum pattern.
- When a safeword is used, stop right away, check in, and look after each other. Nobody should be made to feel bad for using it.
- Check in during play too. People sometimes freeze or go quiet instead of saying stop.
Thinking about risk
People in the kink community use a few shorthand ideas:
- SSC
- Safe, Sane and Consensual. The oldest motto.
- RACK
- Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. Nothing is perfectly safe, so know the risks and agree to them.
- PRICK
- Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink. Everyone owns their own choices.
Whatever you call it: learn before you try, start slowly, and stay sober enough to notice when something is wrong. Someone who is drunk or high can't give real consent.
Higher-risk play
Some items on the sheet can cause serious injury. Learn from experienced people or classes before trying them, and never play with these alone.
- Choking and breath play carry a real risk of brain injury and death, even when it seems light, and there is no known way to make them safe. Pressure on the neck can cause unconsciousness within seconds. If you include it at all, learn the risks first and never put anything around the neck that can't be removed instantly.
- Rope and bondage: keep safety shears within reach, watch for numbness, tingling or cold hands (signs of nerve or blood flow problems), avoid tight rope on the inner upper arm and wrists, and never leave a tied person alone. Suspension needs proper training.
- Impact: aim for fleshy areas like the buttocks and thighs. Avoid the kidneys, spine, neck, head and joints.
- Wax and temperature: use candles made for play, test on your own skin first, and keep water nearby.
- Knives, needles and blood: need hygiene, sterile equipment and training.
Aftercare and drop
After an intense scene, people often need time to come down: water, a snack, a blanket, cuddles, quiet, or space. Agree on what you each need before you start.
Hours or days later, some people feel low, anxious or empty. This is called drop, and it can happen to the person giving as well as receiving. A message the next day goes a long way.
Safer sex
- Talk about testing, barriers (condoms, dental dams, gloves) and contraception before sex.
- Use a new condom or clean toys when moving from anal to vaginal play.
- Clean toys after every use and don't share porous toys (rubber, jelly) without a condom.
- Use plenty of lube, and the right kind: no silicone lube on silicone toys.
Your link and your privacy
- Your answers live only in the share link. Nothing is sent to a server, but anyone with the link can read them.
- To keep them private, tick Protect the link with a passphrase in the Share window and tell the passphrase to the other person another way, for example in person.
- Links stay in browser history and chat apps. Think about who else uses your devices.
- Leave out my no answers in the Share window keeps your hard limits to yourself.
If something went wrong
If someone ignored a limit or a safeword, that is not your fault. You can talk to someone, for free and in confidence:
- Emergency: 112 in Europe, 911 in the US, 999 in the UK.
- Germany: Hilfetelefon Gewalt gegen Frauen, 116 016, day and night, in many languages.
- UK (England and Wales): Rape Crisis 24/7 support line, 0808 500 2222.
- US: RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline, 800-656-4673.
- Kink-aware help: the NCSF's Kink Aware Professionals directory lists doctors, therapists and lawyers who won't judge you for kink.
This page is general information, not medical or legal advice.